"Good evening, I’m Paul McDermott and this is Good News World. Coming up tonight we say farewell to the year that was 2011. It was a year of upheaval. The Arab world discovered a path to democracy that didn’t involve getting blown up by America for their oil. The weather decided “We’re not friends anymore” and Europe broke. England rioted, Greece collapsed, Italy sucked, Egypt revolted. America mutinied, Norway massacred and Australia argued about how to keep out the foreigners. Libya was at war, Japan was underwater and Charlie Sheen took so many drugs, Amy Winehouse needed a drink. It was the year we were hit with more expensive electricity, petrol, water, gas, rent, childcare, car rego and mortgage repayments. Luckily the costs were easily covered by not eating bananas. It was the year we saw the end of Osama Bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi, meaning the only bad guys left to kill are Mugabe and Megatron. It was the year that finally saw our real head of state come to visit…shame he couldn’t bring Michelle and the kids. It was the year a man tried to convince us he had fire-breathing fists, tiger blood and Adonis DNA, all of which he planned on using to stop the boats. Tony Abbott said “No”… and, well, that was about it. Two billion people watched Prince William marry Kate Middleton. Three billion watched Pip Middleton’s bum. Memories, eh? Two days later in Pakistan after ten years, several trillion dollars and the decimation of three countries, the world’s greatest superpower managed to shoot an old guy in the head. Navy SEALs terminated Bin Laden in a devastating warning that anyone committing a massive terrorist act could be brought to justice in as little as a decade. Apple guru Steve Jobs passed away or, to use the correct terminology, was uploaded to the main server. The Japanese tsunami proved that nuclear power is perfectly safe. Unless you build the plant on a fault line and forget that “tsunami” is a Japanese word. Julian Assange sued whoever wrote his autobiography. He was also accused by some Swedish women of having sex without protection because they were— wait for it— worried about leaks. In sport, Shane Warne began to disappear, the Kiwis won a World Cup most of the world didn’t want, and Cadel Evans became the first Australian to win the Tour De France, showing a whole generation of lycra loving kids that ice dancing isn’t their only option. And a volcano in Chile erupted, sending a smoke plume that grounded flights, caused traveller chaos and gave a very determined QANTAS boss one hell of an idea."
— Paul McDermott, Good News World 28/11/11
"Australia is vast, every time I go there I realise what a vast country it is. Australia could have been invaded during the Second World War— nobody would have noticed, right. Germany could’ve set up an entire Reich up in the Northern Territory somewhere— they would’ve been oblivious to it, for two years. Eventually some rural country copper would’ve blundered across it like that; [Aussie accent] “What’s going on here?” [German accent] “Zis is a new Germany, we have set up a new Reich in your country.” [Aussie accent] “Alright. Well, carry on. You haven’t got any fruit or vegetables or pot-pourri on you, do you?"
— Bill Bailey, Dandelion Mind
